To The Girls I’ve Hurt…

Dear Girls I’ve Hurt,

I’m every guy ever, my cliches to get you to drop your wall of defense are vast and disgusting. The utter lack of care I have to your feelings when it in no way benefits me is laughable. I’m playing relationship chess in which every move I make has a calculated outcome that I planned for five moves in advance.

You read blogs; you listen to your friends, you listen to people in your life who have your best interests. You have it down to science as to how to tell if a guy is in it for the right reasons, you could justly tell your girlfriend that a guy is a piece of you know what and for the majority of the time be correct about it. For some reason, though, when it comes to your personal relationships you keep letting me in. Every text received gets a reluctant response to open the door for another move in my chess game. When I comment on one of your photos it gets the butterfly feeling in your chest, but rather, I’m playing the role as a politician and keeping up my public persona. You send me a text, and I don’t respond, you defend me to yourself as you say that I must’ve been too busy. Then I hit you back with a response two days later tell me to go to this party. You are at war with yourself on what you should do, should you ignore me and realize your self-worth, or are you going to give me a chance I don’t deserve? Tell yourself that you’re going to have fun and there’s no reason you can’t do that and that I won’t even be an issue. Lie to yourself. I am your weakness because I’m the perfect combination of sincere enough to get your attention and distant enough to peak your curiosity. You enjoy the party; I ignore you the vast majority of the time besides a few moments of eye contact. Pretending you have a fun time you dance with your friends, you talk to other people, and you put on a brave face all along knowing inside your slowly dying because you aren’t getting attention from the one person that you desperately want. The night wraps up, and you go home, and then you get a text that from me that says: “Hey.” Feeling brave you tell me you do not want to talk to me because all I do is play with your emotions and that I ignore you when we are in the same place. You have a point, I know that, but also being that you are in the middle of my chess game I know exactly what move to make that will have you back right where I want you. I tell you that I’m afraid of my feelings. I tell you I’ve been hurt before and don’t want to feel that again. I tell you the words you so desperately want to here; it’s my final move to win the game.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

Your heart almost leaps from your chest as you throw all your ideas you’ve gotten about how bad of a guy I am out the window. You tell me you feel the same way and I tell you to come over so we can talk about “us.” You are so blinded by my empty words that you fail to see what’s right in front of your face that I am clearly trying to take advantage of you. You come over I say the right things to make you feel like you are jumping into a relationship that you’ll be able to tell your future children. While you think that I have finally made my final move and have won my game of chess, I get exactly what I wanted out of you……..

Now it’s the next day, the next week, the next month and you hardly hear from me anymore. If I do finally respond to any of your desperate text messages, I tell you that I’m not ready to be in a committed relationship. The majority of the time I ignore you, and now you realize that you were being played the entire time. You are so angry at me but realize that you have nothing you can do to bring me down. Your options are to keep quiet and just move on or tell everyone how I played you, then let me give my side of the story, and we all know how that ends, your reputation gets ruined, I get moved up in the social ladder.

I’m sorry. I know nothing I can say can ever make up for the damage I’ve done to you, I understand that writing you this letter does very little but bring up old memories that you have suppressed. I want to tell you that you deserve better. Please don’t fall for another trick like this, make me earn your trust by being your friend. Make me take you out on dates to prove that I am a gentleman. Make me respect your boundaries. Make me appreciate your individualism. Make me prove to you over and over that I am not this guy you read. Ultimately, make yourself understand your self-worth. Realizing that guys only keep doing what they can get away with. Make your goals strong and your boundaries stronger. I may ignore you, I may go for other women who aren’t you, I may call you names, but I’ll respect you.

Proverbs 31:10-11

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.”